reblog if you are sorry ms. jackson and also are for real
do you have those memories that are really cringey and you never speak of and something triggers the memory and you want to fucking wash your brain out with bleach
When you’re talking to a girl and things start getting serious:
Just laughed so hard.
If you don’t get this, ur straight
911 operator: 911, what’s your emergency, sis?
me: i— i just killed my husband… i— i…. I don’t know what to do…
911 operator: oooooooooh shit! kk, im telling you I’m a nosy queen, so be a good Judy and serve up the juicy deets.
me: i came home after getting my tight puccini waxed into a buckwheat at the spa with my rancid drag sisters and waited for him to present me a platter of delicious delicacies, and you know what he dishes out? a colourful and fresh baby gem lettuce, beets. quinoa, portabello and blue cheese salad with with tender skirt steak and chimichurri on the side.
911 operator: ………………..if we’re being honest here, sweetheart, im high as fuxk and it’s probably the munchies but that sounds scrumptious.com.edu.co.uk.ca, the fuck’s wrong with all of that?
me: ……..*chokes back tears and takes a deep breath* It was not organic.
911 operator: *loud auntie gasp* OH SHIT!
me: i whacked him with the solid 5 inch double gold plated elephant ivory bookends he got me for my quarter birthday last week and now he’s laying there in a puddle of blood, ruining my $45000 imported Moroccan rugs…
911 operator: smfh, when will these good-for-nothings learn to treat a lady with respect?
i love getting kissed on the forehead so much it’s like they’re saying “hey i’m gonna show you affection but i’m not trying to get anything out of this, i just want you to feel happy”
last night i woke up because two dudes were fighting underneath my window and one dude kept screaming “BRO!! BRO YOU CALLED ME A BITCH IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE BAR BRO!! THE WHOLE BAR!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT BRO??” he sounded so heart broken. why bro. why did you do this.
what do you MEAN it’s inappropriate for gold digger by kanye west to be my wedding song
Kanye himself probably said this